Flail and Fail: How to #DisasterHack Slow Cooker Teriyaki Chicken

This post is the first of my series ‘Flailing and Failing with Francesca.’  It will generally involve me posting my messes in an attempt to let you, the reader, benefit from my experience.  I would like to write posts about how to do something perfectly wonderful like my super sister-in-laws, and if I ever accomplish that you can bet your sweet life I will be coming here to not-so-humble brag about it, but for now, this is all I got. 

Flail and Fail- How to #DisasterHack Slow Cooker Teriyaki Chicken_Hero

For today’s Flail and Fail, I am going to disaster-hack an amazing slow cooker recipe I found online.  What is a disaster-hack you ask? Glad you asked! Well if life-hacks are tips to make your life easier and simpler, disaster-hacks are quick, easy tips on how to make something a disaster.  Just follow me and you can make a disaster out of anything. Case in point this lovely recipe by Jen at YummyHealthyEasy.com and her gorgeous pic:

crock-pot-teriyaki-chicken

This sounded so delicious and looked so easy that only a true “disaster master” like me would be able to mess it up. The good news is my screw-up still tasted good, even if the texture and look was a bit weird.

What you must do to #DisasterHack this recipe:

First steps: Have a giant hunk of frozen chicken breasts that you didn’t portion off before sticking in the freezer, and that now won’t fit into your slow cooker.  Since it’s too late to thaw out overnight in the fridge (why do anything ahead of time), set it in your sink under running water and chip apart the chicken chunks with a butter knife and your bare hands.  Give it a good five minutes then realize it’s going to be a while, and wash your hands to prep the other ingredients.  Now realize that you just put soapy water all over you defrosting chicken.  Have a minor freak out while trying to thoroughly rinse your still completely frozen giant chicken chunk.  After a million and a half hours of running-water thawing, put hunks of still frozen chicken in crock pot and add other ingredients. 

To make this a true disaster, you still have a bit to go.  “What?” you say, “I thought it was already wrecked?”  Ha ha ha! No! I’m sorry, but this recipe is just too easy, and a subpar disaster-hack effort on your part won’t cut it.  Although there have been disastrous moments, this recipe could still revive itself to come back from the dead a total success.  You need constant vigilance to make this failure.  “Constant Vigilance!”

Next steps:  For this to work, please be as unfamiliar with your slow cooker as possible.  If you already know it runs hot or takes longer, try to wipe such useful data from your mind.  The recipe says to cook 8 to 10 hours on low, so turn it on low then check back in 4 hours. When you see it looks like it’s done, think to yourself “But the recipe said 8 to 10 hours so I better leave it.” Check back in two more hours to welcome a blackened, sticky mess.  Pull some out to taste, and realize that it still tastes yummy so it must be destroyed by more vicious methods.  I recommend putting it in your mix master to “shred” it.  Turn it on low while the chicken is still warm.  Then recruit one of your kids to distract you while you leave it running for a full five minutes instead of the intended 30-60 seconds, so your chicken becomes a paste instead of shredded.

Finally place on top of some instant rice that you left in the microwave until it’s cold and hard.

Voila, a super easy recipe disaster-hacked! Like I mentioned before, even this outcome was pretty tasty–not that my kids would eat it, but they don’t eat anything anyway. I spread it on some rolls and French bread for my husband and myself. We liked it, but we’re used to disasters.

Flail and Fail Crock Pot teriyaki chicken

If you would like to share your disaster for this recipe feel free, or if you decide to be nonconformist and actually successfully make this recipe, I would love to know what that’s like if only vicariously.

Flail on, Francesca

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